Among reports filed with police:

Arrests

1200 block of H Street: A woman called 911, imploring police to please come to her aid. There was a man at her residence, with a gun, she said. He pointed at her and “tried to shoot her.” Police were there lickety-split. All was not as presented, however. She was just really mad at the guy and trying to get him into trouble. Instead, the 55-year-old fibber went to jail, charged with false report of a crime.

2401 Gloucester St.: A man had made a pest of himself at the Friendly Express one too many times. Police had previously issued him a warning to stay away or risk jail time. He came back. The 45-year-old went to jail.

Police Assist

2701 J St.: A punk tried to steal some stuff from the Dollar General, but a store manager caught him in the act. The ne’er-do-well bolted for the door. The cops caught up to the would-be crook. He was issued a warning to avoid the store’s premise upon peril of arrest.

Theft

1620 Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd.: Verbatim from the city police report: “Intoxicated subjects were lured across the street by unknown persons. They were assaulted and their cellphones were stolen.”

Awwww

900 block of Dartmouth Street: “Officers responded and assisted Code Enforcement with a citizen who apparently heard a kitten meowing inside his air conditioning ducts.”

— Larry Hobbs

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Take a back entrance to the Glynn Place Mall, cut through a side door into the lobby of the Embassy Suites hotel, walk up a flight of stairs and you enter the inner sanctum of Unified Command.