Among reports filed with police:
The Bare Facts
Sonny Miller Way: An officer came across a guy in his vehicle near the park, just sitting in his car. Naked. He was naked. Apparently the only person to see him in his birthday suit was the cop. “The male got dressed and left the park,” police reported.
2905 U.S. Highway: It happens to all of us sometimes. An off-duty officer apparently lost her phone inside the Make It Snappy convenience store. Some twerp came along and stole it. Police pinged the phone, zeroing in on it inside an apartment in the 2700 block of Evergreen Road. Image the 22-year-old’s surprise when the cops showed up at his doorstep and took him to jail for theft.
Brooklyn Homes: A woman was distraught over love gone wrong, hysterically so. She was waiving a knife around when the cops arrived. Police took the 33-year-old to jail for disorderly conduct.
2700 Stonewall Street: A cad was lambasting the mother of his child to the point that she called cops. He split before the cops got there. When the cops came across him later on, it turned out the 30-year-old was wanted on an outstanding arrest warrant for felony violation of probation.
5200 block of U.S. Highway 341: A cop was stopped at a red light before noon when he noticed a scalawag in a 2002 GMC Yukon pickup blow right through the intersection. The chump tried to lie his way out of it by giving a false name after the traffic stop, but the cop was on to him. Not only did the 37-year-old go to jail for giving police a fake name, but also for running a red light on a suspended license and a felony violation of probation.
2500 block of Cleburne Street: A brother and a sister got into such a rhubarb about the all-powerful television remote control device that police were summoned to intervene. Police note that both siblings are adults, allegedly. But, after all, she did take the remote out of his room. The second time police responded over the same remote tantrum, “the sister stated several times in front of the officers that she would hurt her brother ...” The 39-year-old woman went to jail for maintaining a disorderly house.
4900 block of U.S. Highway 341: A traffic stop in the wee hours landed a 39-year-old man in jail, charged with DUI and failure to maintain a lane.
F.J. Torras Causeway: A concerned citizen called about a stationary vehicle in the causeway turn lane after hours, with no sign of its driver. The Good Sam could not see the driver because he was zonked out inside, a responding officer discovered. It only got worse from there. When the officer tried to extricate him, the plastered perp put the vehicle in reverse, hit the gas and smacked the officer with the door. The officer somehow managed to get the vehicle back in park and remove the dangerous drunk, a 37-year-old man who ended up in jail for DUI.
2000 block of Perry Lane Road: A scurrilous cad hit a woman in the lip and apparently threw her in a roadside ditch. She had a blood-stained shirt when officers responded to a distress call and found her at a nearby convenience store. After sorting out the details, the 38-year-old jackal went to jail for battery.
— Larry Hobbs