It’s that time again. For my column ushering in the new year, I make some bold and fearless forecasts, mostly political. Once it is published, I kill it out of my computer and shred the newspaper. That way I can’t keep count of my success rate.
So hear we go:
On the night of Jan. 5, Georgians will pour into the streets and celebrate with champagne and fireworks.
They will be ecstatic that Warnock, Loeffler, Perdue and Ossoff’s lying, poisonous, vicious TV campaign ads are finally over after ruining Christmas, bowl games and New Years. And letter carriers can get back to delivering important stuff like pitches for vinyl siding and armadillo guards on vehicles.
On Jan. 19, the eve of Joe Biden’s inauguration, Donald Trump will lose his last attempt to have the results of the 2020 general election overturned. Judge Judy will rule his case is without merit. Predictably, Trump and Judy will get into a shouting match with Trump declaring himself the winner.
After all, he is as presidential as she is judicial.
Early on Jan. 20, Trump and Biden will meet briefly and Trump, having just had his last two White House omelets for breakfast, will burp and say, “Oh. Pardon me.”
On Jan. 21, a Washington Post headline will read, “Trump begs President Biden for Pardon During Last Minutes in Office.”
In an unrelated attempt to steal some of Biden’s positive press, Trump will issue a preemptive pardon to “Gobbler Doe, a White House Thanksgiving turkey to be named in November 2021.”
In February, Joe Biden will give his first State of the Union address in which he will promise to return the Veterans Administration to the efficiency of the Obama administration. The next day, veterans will defy medical advice and flee VA hospitals across the country. Also, at the conclusion of the Biden’s State of the Union remarks, Democrats’ wild clapping will be drowned out by the sound of Republicans shredding dummy copies of Biden’s speech.
(OK. This is unlikely to happen because Biden will probably deliver his remarks on TV only. Blessedly, we have ESPN and HGTV to watch instead.)
Also in February, in an attempt to compensate for lost revenue during the coronavirus, the Georgia General Assembly will raise super speeder fines from $200 per infraction to $400. It will raise $1.3 million on I-75 and I-95 during spring break.
On April 29, the Jacksonville Jaguars will use the No. 1 pick in the NFL draft on Clemson quarterback Trevor Lawrence. Three days later Lawrence will sign a contract to become the first pro football player to do Pantene shampoo commercials.
In May, the Island Planning Commission will approve the rezoning of 27 acres on northern St. Simons for a large luxury condominium complex called Buckhead by the Sea. The 118 units in Phase I will be snapped up in a matter of hours by those fleeing Atlanta’s horde of gun-toting felons.
Also, Atlanta Mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms will ask the Atlanta City Council to buy an armored personnel carrier for her security detail complete with blue lights and a tear gas launcher.
On June 15, scientists from the University of Georgia Department of Horticulture will announce the development of azaleas and dogwoods that bloom in November. A university spokesman will say the research was spurred, at least in part, by last fall’s dearth of blooms at the 2020 Masters Tournament which had been delayed from April.
Just before noon on July 19, your cell phone will ring and display an unknown number. The caller will say it is the second warning that the extended warranty on your vehicle is about to expire. Actually, it was about the 427th warning. You’ll hang up indignantly.
Just before noon on July 20, your cell phone will ring and display an unknown number. And so on ad infinitum.
On Aug. 23, when New York’s coronavirus rate is 0.02 cases per 100,000, Gov. Andrew Cuomo will shut down indoor dining in the city just to show Mayor Bill de Blasio he can.
Sept. 12, the Georgia Bulldogs will be ranked No. 1 in college football. Oh. Sorry. I meant that for March.
Dec. 16 – 23, your faithful columnist will burn a tank of gas, even though he drives a hybrid, going from store to store looking for a card that says something besides, “Merry Christmas Mom.” The columnist was born in the 1950s in the South and does not have a mom. He has a mama, but will settle for a card with Mother as he almost did this year. Finally, he found a card with mother on the front but it had mama on the inside and in relief and jubilation paid way too much. There oughta be a law, but we’ll get to that in my column on suggestions for the Georgia Generally Assembled.
I would give a definite date for when the Golden Ray will be fully removed from St. Simons Sound, but these are my 2021 predictions. I’ll save that one for 2022.
That’s all I got. We will not speak of this again.